Wednesday, 24 February 2016

Life Update,Fragile X And Feeling Lonely

There's not an awful lot happening right now in my life, I'm still unemployed sad face :(,I'm also still volunteering which I do still like but I really want a job now. It does start becoming boring and I have lots of free time that I don't know what to do with. I am aware I'm not the only one unemployed but I do want to work and have a career. There are many out there that don't even want a job and just sit at home watching Jeremy Kyle with guests on with no teeth LOL.

I have lost motivation, in other words I'm slacking a lot and need more help so that's why I am hoping to return to Shaw Trust soon who got me my Xmas job at M&S last year which sadly ended :(.

Shaw Trust are a lot more helpful than the jobcentre but I do like my jobcentre adviser now but other than that I've never found them very helpful. I once got sent me on seetec or craptec as I called it for 2 years :O which was a complete waste of time and well they're just crap didn't help one bit and the adviser I had wasn't very nice she made me go there when it was my signing day so I had to make long bus journeys I really didn't like her at all.


t is annoying when I can only look for retail work as that's the only experience I have which is hard when applying for jobs as they say you need experience but how can you get it if no one will give you a chance? such a vicious circle, all I want is a job, a chance to prove I can do things and to meet people make new friends. It is hard sometimes and there aren't many jobs to apply for, plus it does make it difficult because I don't drive and rely on buses I HATE BUSES they're always late, have miserable drivers and are just so slowwwww. I feel really stuck and I'm not moving anywhere, nothing is happening it's just the same old, same old and I am starting to hate it being unemployed is not fun I don't understand how some people like it? I used to like it when I stayed up all night,laid in till lunchtime etc and never made any effort to find a job but I never do that anymore,though I am slacking more and not really making effort to look but hopefully if I go back to Shaw Trust I'll get more motivated and make more effort to find work. It is hard to get motivated but I know I have to because I'll never get a job if I don't but I know I can't just give up on things because I feel meh sometimes everyone has those days.

I haven't really been feeling like myself either there's just too much bothering me right now :(,I feel lonely and wish I had friends who have Fragile X like me/who are similar age to talk to/hang out with but it's not that easy when people live far away or I don't actually know anyone who's like me :( being unemployed doesn't help,I don't have a social life,well you know friends I can hang out,it gets boring for me and I am starting to feel alone :( it not fun at all and I wish I had people to talk to but I don't really tell anyone things much because I always feel that I'm annoying and people don't want to listen or they don't understand me and I guess that's one reason I blog about it,it does help letting things out. I do sometimes talk to someone who is on my Facebook but I don't think we'd get on if we met,I think we'd clash =/ because I get annoyed easily and frustrated with things and when you constantly see the same things it gets a bit tedious. I don't understand why it needs to be written all the time? maybe it doesn't annoy anyone else,I don't know but when you don't have a job it can get frustrating at times but then who actually loves their job? no one else puts it,most moan about theirs. I do sometimes post things on the Fragile X Facebook page but it's not the same as being in person everyone's behind a screen so meeting new people isn't easy as I'm shy and quiet and I wouldn't even know if we'd get on if we did meet,its just as hard with people who don't have Fragile X. Since I have been at volunteering I have met people,I can talk to them and we have banter but they're older than me and I kind of wish I knew people my own age,someone to relate to but I don't :( It does get lonely being at home most of the time not really knowing what to do,feeling alone and just meh about things because they aren't happening at the moment and I feel so behind :(

So many people in my year at school have had children/or are having more,or have moved out,got engaged/married or people much younger than me and I just think why are you getting married so young? how can they afford it? how can they afford to move out? there's no way I can afford to move out so I don't get how people can?,though most are probably in debt which is just the most stupid thing to do ever who wants to do that?!? they don't need these things,they just think they do so are wasting money and get into debt so pointless just be happy with what you've got like seriously there's more to life than being in debt. I just feel like they are all moving forward and I'm still stuck in the same place and haven't really done much since school/college though I guess having Fragile X makes things harder and not many people really get it or have heard of it so I find it difficult to explain and I'm quite shy and I get upset easily with things like all of this,it gets me down,I feel frustrated and fed up most of the time,while my life isn't bad because it's not but I just sometimes wish things were different. Sometimes I feel like no one understands so I keep most of it to myself because it just seems easier. I went through a period of wanting to quit volunteering,I didn't want to go and I was just fed up but none of them understood and just got annoyed with me because I was down about being unemployed,they weren't much help to be honest,not all of them just some.

Sorry this post isn't very cheerful,but I really just needed to let things out because it's all getting too much right now. I do wish I could go elsewhere like the countryside or the beach to get away from it/to figure things out.




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